


present tense of the past

by orphan_account



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:14:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22211623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which Elsa doesn't sleep early, and it's not because of nightmares.
Kudos: 13





	present tense of the past

Elsa didn't sleep early. It wasn't a trait she got from Before. She just liked staying up late. Sleeping early wasn't her thing, and the stillness of time whenever she walked through the halls as the moon cast its light in. It was nothing short of beautiful.

But now that Before has passed, and the heartache of seeing her sister die and come back to life from her own hands was enough grief for a lifetime. Elsa went down into the kitchen and prepared herself a cup of hot chocolate. She continued to the living room, a book about politics and laws and everything she was supposed to know if she had enough time.

The couch was soft, but not enough to entice her to sleep. She could hear the outside filled to the brim with life. It soothed her ears, and relaxed the tension in her shoulders she wasn't aware of.

She couldn't bring herself to read, however. With how calm she was, and how peaceful everything was, she didn't want this moment to end. No one was expecting her to be the queen of a kingdom. She was still figuring out what 'Elsa' means to her, because definitions were tricky.

In this moment she was herself, whatever herself meant, and whatever she wanted it to mean. Right now, she was fulfilling her duties as queen, but that didn't mean she had to act as one. Elsa was aware of the paperwork she left unfinished in her study—Anna _really really_ wanted to go out with her that day—but it didn't stress her (rather she didn't want to think about it).

She clasped her hands, bringing it to her chest. Elsa took a deep breath, and tried to smile. But the smile was too forced so she shook her head, embarrassed.

Anna noticed how Elsa brought her hands to her chest when she was scared. She asked if it was because she wanted her hands close to her, and in that way she could feel her heartbeat, and be able to control her powers.

It was a sad sentiment, but Elsa told her otherwise. Trauma wasn't a personality trait, after all.

She wondered if Anna had been plagued by nightmares just as much as she was. She wondered if there were things, events, people, words, that would be capable of making Anna regress to whoever she was years ago. Elsa knew she had those kinds of things. There were numerous of them, but she didn't want to think about that either.

She let some snow flutter from her hand, and conjured a small ice castle. Anna said her creations were the most beautiful in the world. Her powers were a gift, and she loved it with every fiber of her being.

(But if Anna froze right then and there, a few months ago, she would've been Elsa's greatest creation, for every reason she shouldn't be.)

The thought scared her, and she had to remind herself that Anna wasn't cold. Kristoff and her were sleeping in the same room, and Kristoff was more than capable of keeping her little sister safe. Not that Elsa couldn't keep herself too, but old habits are hard to break. She has trust in Anna, a lot of it. There would come a day she could trust herself that much too.

Kristoff was a kind man. Despite his big stature and his sarcasm that sometimes got him into more trouble than what was worth, his heart was just as full of love and it was all for Anna (and also Elsa, he added, but it wasn't the same, and Elsa would giggle as he tried to differentiate his love for the two sisters).

Sven and Olaf were a happy bunch. Olaf was a personification of their past, but only the happy memories. Just the happy memories. Sven couldn't talk, but his personality was sure to cheer you up. He'd be there to sit with you through sad times and rejoice together on the highest of peaks.

Elsa was still trying to find where she stood in their group. Anna said—she confides in Anna more often than not now—she doesn't have to fit in because this was where she belonged. In reply, Elsa let herself relax in her sister's presence a little longer. Slowly she'll make up for the time she made them lose.

Throughout the years, Elsa learned that fear can be disguised as love. It was difficult to see through though, because love was keeping your loved ones safe, because love was ensuring the best, and because love was doing whatever it took as long as they would continue to exist.

Anna was probably right when she answered back during her Coronation Day. Their isolation wasn't love. Only Anna and _just_ Anna would know that. Love was warm, Anna described, and the castle was freezing.

They haven't talked about the aftermath of what their parents left them with. They haven't talked about how Elsa went and blamed herself a little more than usual, and they haven't talked about how Anna became more and more desperate to not be alone.

(There were small drawings in Anna's room. It was a drawing of people, but it was always a pair. And one of them had a face and the other was left blank.)

Elsa wanted to shout to the world to give her a break. She wasn't fit to run a kingdom, she wasn't fit to be whoever Anna silently expected her to be, she wasn't fit to be whoever Anna needed her to be. Elsa jumped from expectation to expectation and expected to please everyone.

Elsa probably wasn't fit to be born in this family in the first place. She held herself. Her hands resting below her shoulders. Elsa closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She came here to relax. She needed to be relaxed.

No, she didn't expect to run a kingdom as soon as she was of age. She didn't expect for Kai to knock on the door and address her the way they did to her parents. She didn't expect Anna to be who she was. She didn't expect anything even if her whole life she wanted to be one step ahead of everything.

Sometimes she thought of giving up, but giving up meant leaving Anna behind. Leaving Anna behind was a guilt in her heart she couldn't stomach. An enormous castle for the lonesome heart of one.

And yet, she was still breathing today. Elsa could see the stars twinkling, always imagining them to be greeting whoever met their gaze. She should invite Anna for star-gazing some time one day.

Her powers were no longer a secret, and it still caused anxiety to bubble up. Her hands still the violent weapon it was but she'd rather stare at her hands than at blue snowflake-patterned gloves.

There was still a pair of them in Elsa's drawer, but she hasn't touched them in months. An improvement Elsa never knew she'd reach.

The two sisters were reunited, and both of them had seen better times, but they were happy. Anna has her love story, and Elsa controlled herself more than her emotions.

They were two sides of the same coin, the two ends of a bridge. Opposites but nevertheless connected, related, together.

Elsa could hear the birds chirping and decided that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to sleep on the couch.

**Author's Note:**

> tried my hand at frozen! 
> 
> this is my first work for this fandom, so i hope it isn't too bad!!


End file.
